12/15/11

So I find myself just sitting in my apartment, in silence. Most of the time I just listen to music or watch movies. But for some reason today I found myself just sitting, on my couch...It was really quiet and relaxing. There was absolutely no stress. After a while I turned my tv on and watched some movies. But today was really quiet. Most of my friends in Halifax are going home for the holidays so I can expect to have more days like this. I was really angry before, but now I just don't care. It kinda sucks that I wont get to see my parents and my brother for christmas, but they said that they would try to come here for the holidays. But now both my parents can't find the time to take the trip down here. So I'm spending Christmas on my own. I'm not entirely alone, there are a couple people that are staying in Halifax and thats comforting in a way. It just pisses me off that Im suppose to be caring and understanding when my friends have problems and stuff, and when shit goes down for them I'm always there. But when it happens to me, know one cares and know one is there for me to talk to, and then they wonder why I get angry. I love my friends to death, but its that selfishness that pisses me off. even though I don't express my feelings entirely to them, they should at least know that I'm upset that I have to spend Christmas alone. And they should at least ask me if i'm alright with it. which I am but it still pisses me off that they don't care enough to ask. I'm always there when they need to talk. Uhg.

11/29/11

I was pretty sick the last couple of days from being out in the cold. But it was worth getting sick over. Since I had a pretty awesome time hanging out with the boys, and playing left for dead! OH how I love playing that game so much. and when we left I actually walked over the McDonald Bridge. Which I thought I could never do, ever. But I did it, three times! The first was because almost all the bus's were slow so we just walked over the bridge. The other two times I walked over with kevin, the first time we got lost in dartmouth, mostly because we both are drunk idiots and got lost. The second time we just didn't want to wait for a bus. It was really nice walking over the bridge, besides the fact that bridges are tariffing to me. But I think I wouldn't be able to do it alone. So having someone with me helped. and for the first time I actually did have an anxiety panic. Not like when I was on the bus going over the bridge with tabitha. That was probably one of the scariest moments I've had here. But for some reason, I felt really calm, surprisingly calm for me. But i'm chalking that one up to having someone else walking across the bridge with me.

I had this weird feeling today. I spent most of the day sleeping, and when I woke up I was rather sluggish and didn't really start moving around till around 2 in the afternoon. At around 5:30 I started getting ready to go to the studio and paint. I was still distracted with other things in my apartment, so getting ready took me longer than normal. when I left my apartment I was walking rather slowly. And when I got to one of the main streets I was crossing and there was a bus coming straight for me. The light was red so he was going to stop. But for some reason I stopped in the street for a few seconds staring at the bus. And something inside my head said "Do it...." like this voice was talking to the bus, begging it to hit me. Then all of a sudden this other voice, a more frantic one said "stop, hurry up." I turned an continued walking across the street. I don't know what the fuck that was, It kind of scared me. Hearing voices like that. I mean, we all have an inner voice. But both of them didn't sound like me at all. It wasn't my voice talking, and thats terrifying to me. I mean i've heard voices in my sleep before, and in my dreams, but never when i'm crossing the street. I don't know what to think of this, I guess thats why i'm writing it out, so I don't have to think about it now. I don't want to die, at least not yet anyway. I know that I will die eventually, like when I get old, but.. to think that if I stood there longer I could of actually gotten hit by that fucking bus, and be splattered across the pavement.

11/27/11

I haven't been feeling well as of late. And By "well" I don't mean I feel sick. Im not sick. I mean "well" as in mental wellness. I feel like I'm starting to loose my self. I haven't had these kind of moods in a long time. Like I haven't felt like this in about a year or two when I was at home and going to school in london.

Don't get me wrong. I love it hear in Halifax. I just feel like since i'm hear my life should of gotten a little bit better, and it has in some ways. As far as I know Im doing well in school. All my classes are going well and I don't have any complaints. But I still have this weird feeling in the back of my head that something just doesn't feel right.

This is what I want right? I feel like I keep questioning myself for what I want from life. What I want to be and where I want to go. And now that these thoughts are back I don't know what I want anymore. I feel lost. I thought that the whole journal thing from my writing class would be a great idea. But I find its causing me to question things that happen in my life, like with things that happen between me and my friends and its like its making me over think things.

some of my friends think that its because I live alone, that I have a lot of time to think. But when Im at home I dont really think at all. some of them think its because I'm home sick and I just miss my friends at home. and I think that does add to it a little. I do miss my friends that I left back in ontario. But I new that if I didnt come out here, I would of spent another year hating myself. And I don't want that again.

I just want to get out of this haze and feel like myself again.

10/29/2011

Ok so I apparently thought that I would be able to write a blog and in my journal twice a week. Apparently NOT. I've been so busy with school work that I haven't had the time to write on my blogs or even make a video for my youtube channel. I did however manage to take a break from my school work and edit a FAQ video for youtube, but I still haven't had time to even record my sectional Double ended dread tutorial, and I want that one to go up next. I still have a lot of videos and dreads to make. I think after the sectional dread tutorial I'm going to make a storage video, and stuff like that. So far I had about 200 ish subscribers and thats AMAZING! and I'm really glad that people watch and actually like my videos. I mean, I act like an asshole is some of them but eh such is life. :P

School is going pretty well. As far as I know. I had painting crit on Wednesday and I think it went pretty good, I mean there is room for improvement and im open for that. But I can't get over how amazing my classmates are at painting, even the ones that have never painted before are amazing.

Hopefully I can post more often. I'm going to post a vlog soon eventually haha

10/01/11

I like to think that I an be poetic. I can at least try right?
I was never one for the writing arts, and i never thought I would ever be interested in anything like that. I love to read. I find that writing comes easier when your free write too.

In are journals for class, I find myself censoring my thoughts. I don't know what im so afraid of. if someone reads it, who cares..

its just free writing. Its not like its gunna fuck up anyones ideals or anything like that.

I find that since i havent been that present with my blog that I'm going to use my journal as a draft. and write up my entries. I suppose that it will help. I find it working a bit. I've written down quite a lot. and its not scribble or just plain text on the page that has no idea what its talking about.

those these entries in my journal are 4 pages. I think that im just going to either sum then up or something. I haven't really decided what im going to do with it yet.

so hopefully these entries get longer. we can always hope aha

~jessy

Writing For the Arts Journal

As of next week I will be posting weekly my journal entries from my Writing for the arts class. I feel that posting these will help me get back into the swing of writing on my blog.

on my Jgallery blog I'll be posting stuff like pictures of my class work and stuff like that, I haven't really been in the mood to paint and I feel that maybe after a little bit, like a month or so I might get back into it again. Right now i'm just doing my painting course work and shit for school and not working on my own personal work. But I hope it will change soon.

~jessy

blah blah blah

The first two weeks of school have past. I would say they went pretty well. The university is a lot different than the college that I went to, in the means that its a lot smaller and navigating it is a real bitch, theres so many turns and stairs that your legs burn by the time you actually get to class. I normally plan to get there about an hour or so early so im not all sweaty and gross. plus I can just sit and read and hang out. Even though I have one studio class, it seems to be taking up most of my time, Im going to need to work on my time management when I have a drawing and a painting class too. So far things are going well in my painting class and I seem to be one of the few that actually knows what there doing.. some of the people in my painting class have never really held a paint brush before, so all this is very new to them.

My apartment is very quiet. Its nice to actually live on my own. but I find it hard to get shit done at my place, since chores are starting to grow from just doing laundry to having to clean my whole apartment and get groceries.