04/14/12

Apparently its inappropriate for me to be nonchalant about everything. I typically don't care about crap like hurt feelings and all this stupid girl cattiness. That seems to be wrong because some of my friends think that I should care. saying oh don't say anything, don't tell anyone to me. yeah I wont say a word, but if I say something along those lines and I encourage them to keep their mouths shut about it, it ends up blowing up in my face. And I end up loosing face with someone. That seems to be a constant in my life at the moment. I never cared before about this BS and now, they are forcing me to care, because they are all I have hear. I hardly ever see them as it is anyway. I spend most of my time alone. But that is because of my current school situation, seeing as I am part time and they are all full time. It makes me feel sick that they arn't adult enough to come up to me and talk to me. I have to be the one to chase after them if I want to hang out or anything. and if they ask me to do something with them or go somewhere, im expected to say yes.

I do have friends here that are way more adult. They are really nice and actually want me in their company. and I do appreciate that a lot. and it means a lot to me that I can talk to those people without any problem.

at this moment i'm considering just keeping to myself. Just not worry about anything and just focus on me, and what I want from life.

stressed over exam

I've discovered that if you want to to be really good at art history you have to be obsessed with it. At this point.. I'm totally over it. But I hope to fuck I passed. It's been bugging be for the past month and my exam was at 8 in the morning. It is really fucking hard to get good marks in a class that you have to force yourself to enjoy.

3/3/12

I really hate the cliché that all goths and people of alternative subcultures have tides with depression and mental heath disorders, But in my case however.. a cliches a cliche because its true, for me anyhow... I was never a cutter, but I do suffer from some form of bipolar disorder. I know that for a fact, with my mood swings being constant means of controlling my life. It wasn't till recently that I really thought about what happened to me that completely changed my way of thinking.

About 2 years ago, I had a breakdown. and it wasn't some horrific event, it was built up over a period of time. Im not going to go into details, but it was over my college career that this pent up anxiety and stress started getting out of hand. I was 18 when I started college, and looking back on it now a lot of the stress I put up with was rather childish, but it wasn't just me that needed to grow up, there were other people in school with me that needed a reality check. My first year of college went well, my second not so much. I had to deal with a certain girl that just didn't like me for some reason, so she started spreading crap and lies about me and stuff around, at this time I was dealing with some heavy shit, to put it bluntly.. So I tried my best to ignore it and pushed my self into my work. Thats what I did when I got really stressed over things, I would ignore everything and just focus on my work. I do the same with emotion, which isn't good at all. I would bottle things up until I would explode. Which unfortunately happened when I broke down. I am rather emotionally repressed as a person, I don't really care about most things in general. I alway thought it was funny when the whole emo fad was going on in my highschool that people thought I was emo, but you kinda had to have some grasp of emotion to even be such, so I am not emo, just rather emotionally repressed ( I could be British haha) alternative girl.

Over the course of my second year I just ignored what was going on, bottling it up, and you would think that friends would want to you know.. be there and ask me what the fuck was up right? nope. not a word. the summer leading up the my final year in college was rather stress full, I still had to deal with what happened the year before and every now and again I would catch myself thinking about it.. what if this happened or if this happened.. I tried to hid how I was feeling so I got really good at faking the hole happy thing. And a good fake smile was very convincing to those that called themselves my friends. When school started up again, I started talking to the councillor at the school for why I was so depressed and stuff mostly, but that didn't really work, so I stopped going.

The second half of my third year went really well, I broke up with my boyfriend at the time and everything started to get soo much better. I don't know why it took me so long to break up with him, I think it had something to do with me not wanting to be alone or something, but he was such a shitty boyfriend I should of ended it when it started. but oh well. After all that crap was over, I started getting really good grades on my paintings but I still pushed myself harder than I should have. I was getting more anxious and I didn't understand why, I think it was more because of my appending graduation. I don't really know. After school was over and I moved back home, I completely stopped talking to people. there was a whole month of my life that I spent in bed. I was mentally and physically exhausted, and then I started getting really insomniac and then I would crash. It was like everything that was bottled up came crashing down on me. Something inside me broke, and I can't manage to fix it. However time can change that. and that month I spent in purgatory was enough to see who actually was there for me, and it showed me the people that actually cared. Family obviously, but some of the friends that I thought I could count on weren't there anymore. It was like they never new me at all. But the people that actually did care, would talk and want to spend time with me, and those people are what helped get me through most of this. But in all reality, im still in a more "recovery" stage of what has happened and now that I'm living in another part of the country it allows me to slowly get back to the way I was. But this change is also very permanent I found it changed the way that I think about things now, and my values in my life have also changed. And there are moments where a sense of melancholy washes over me and I can't control it, so I try to at least hide it for the sake of my friends around me. It helps even if only a little.

Im being purposefully vague for a reason. sorry bout that.

12/15/11

So I find myself just sitting in my apartment, in silence. Most of the time I just listen to music or watch movies. But for some reason today I found myself just sitting, on my couch...It was really quiet and relaxing. There was absolutely no stress. After a while I turned my tv on and watched some movies. But today was really quiet. Most of my friends in Halifax are going home for the holidays so I can expect to have more days like this. I was really angry before, but now I just don't care. It kinda sucks that I wont get to see my parents and my brother for christmas, but they said that they would try to come here for the holidays. But now both my parents can't find the time to take the trip down here. So I'm spending Christmas on my own. I'm not entirely alone, there are a couple people that are staying in Halifax and thats comforting in a way. It just pisses me off that Im suppose to be caring and understanding when my friends have problems and stuff, and when shit goes down for them I'm always there. But when it happens to me, know one cares and know one is there for me to talk to, and then they wonder why I get angry. I love my friends to death, but its that selfishness that pisses me off. even though I don't express my feelings entirely to them, they should at least know that I'm upset that I have to spend Christmas alone. And they should at least ask me if i'm alright with it. which I am but it still pisses me off that they don't care enough to ask. I'm always there when they need to talk. Uhg.

11/29/11

I was pretty sick the last couple of days from being out in the cold. But it was worth getting sick over. Since I had a pretty awesome time hanging out with the boys, and playing left for dead! OH how I love playing that game so much. and when we left I actually walked over the McDonald Bridge. Which I thought I could never do, ever. But I did it, three times! The first was because almost all the bus's were slow so we just walked over the bridge. The other two times I walked over with kevin, the first time we got lost in dartmouth, mostly because we both are drunk idiots and got lost. The second time we just didn't want to wait for a bus. It was really nice walking over the bridge, besides the fact that bridges are tariffing to me. But I think I wouldn't be able to do it alone. So having someone with me helped. and for the first time I actually did have an anxiety panic. Not like when I was on the bus going over the bridge with tabitha. That was probably one of the scariest moments I've had here. But for some reason, I felt really calm, surprisingly calm for me. But i'm chalking that one up to having someone else walking across the bridge with me.

I had this weird feeling today. I spent most of the day sleeping, and when I woke up I was rather sluggish and didn't really start moving around till around 2 in the afternoon. At around 5:30 I started getting ready to go to the studio and paint. I was still distracted with other things in my apartment, so getting ready took me longer than normal. when I left my apartment I was walking rather slowly. And when I got to one of the main streets I was crossing and there was a bus coming straight for me. The light was red so he was going to stop. But for some reason I stopped in the street for a few seconds staring at the bus. And something inside my head said "Do it...." like this voice was talking to the bus, begging it to hit me. Then all of a sudden this other voice, a more frantic one said "stop, hurry up." I turned an continued walking across the street. I don't know what the fuck that was, It kind of scared me. Hearing voices like that. I mean, we all have an inner voice. But both of them didn't sound like me at all. It wasn't my voice talking, and thats terrifying to me. I mean i've heard voices in my sleep before, and in my dreams, but never when i'm crossing the street. I don't know what to think of this, I guess thats why i'm writing it out, so I don't have to think about it now. I don't want to die, at least not yet anyway. I know that I will die eventually, like when I get old, but.. to think that if I stood there longer I could of actually gotten hit by that fucking bus, and be splattered across the pavement.

11/27/11

I haven't been feeling well as of late. And By "well" I don't mean I feel sick. Im not sick. I mean "well" as in mental wellness. I feel like I'm starting to loose my self. I haven't had these kind of moods in a long time. Like I haven't felt like this in about a year or two when I was at home and going to school in london.

Don't get me wrong. I love it hear in Halifax. I just feel like since i'm hear my life should of gotten a little bit better, and it has in some ways. As far as I know Im doing well in school. All my classes are going well and I don't have any complaints. But I still have this weird feeling in the back of my head that something just doesn't feel right.

This is what I want right? I feel like I keep questioning myself for what I want from life. What I want to be and where I want to go. And now that these thoughts are back I don't know what I want anymore. I feel lost. I thought that the whole journal thing from my writing class would be a great idea. But I find its causing me to question things that happen in my life, like with things that happen between me and my friends and its like its making me over think things.

some of my friends think that its because I live alone, that I have a lot of time to think. But when Im at home I dont really think at all. some of them think its because I'm home sick and I just miss my friends at home. and I think that does add to it a little. I do miss my friends that I left back in ontario. But I new that if I didnt come out here, I would of spent another year hating myself. And I don't want that again.

I just want to get out of this haze and feel like myself again.

10/29/2011

Ok so I apparently thought that I would be able to write a blog and in my journal twice a week. Apparently NOT. I've been so busy with school work that I haven't had the time to write on my blogs or even make a video for my youtube channel. I did however manage to take a break from my school work and edit a FAQ video for youtube, but I still haven't had time to even record my sectional Double ended dread tutorial, and I want that one to go up next. I still have a lot of videos and dreads to make. I think after the sectional dread tutorial I'm going to make a storage video, and stuff like that. So far I had about 200 ish subscribers and thats AMAZING! and I'm really glad that people watch and actually like my videos. I mean, I act like an asshole is some of them but eh such is life. :P

School is going pretty well. As far as I know. I had painting crit on Wednesday and I think it went pretty good, I mean there is room for improvement and im open for that. But I can't get over how amazing my classmates are at painting, even the ones that have never painted before are amazing.

Hopefully I can post more often. I'm going to post a vlog soon eventually haha