11/29/11

I was pretty sick the last couple of days from being out in the cold. But it was worth getting sick over. Since I had a pretty awesome time hanging out with the boys, and playing left for dead! OH how I love playing that game so much. and when we left I actually walked over the McDonald Bridge. Which I thought I could never do, ever. But I did it, three times! The first was because almost all the bus's were slow so we just walked over the bridge. The other two times I walked over with kevin, the first time we got lost in dartmouth, mostly because we both are drunk idiots and got lost. The second time we just didn't want to wait for a bus. It was really nice walking over the bridge, besides the fact that bridges are tariffing to me. But I think I wouldn't be able to do it alone. So having someone with me helped. and for the first time I actually did have an anxiety panic. Not like when I was on the bus going over the bridge with tabitha. That was probably one of the scariest moments I've had here. But for some reason, I felt really calm, surprisingly calm for me. But i'm chalking that one up to having someone else walking across the bridge with me.

I had this weird feeling today. I spent most of the day sleeping, and when I woke up I was rather sluggish and didn't really start moving around till around 2 in the afternoon. At around 5:30 I started getting ready to go to the studio and paint. I was still distracted with other things in my apartment, so getting ready took me longer than normal. when I left my apartment I was walking rather slowly. And when I got to one of the main streets I was crossing and there was a bus coming straight for me. The light was red so he was going to stop. But for some reason I stopped in the street for a few seconds staring at the bus. And something inside my head said "Do it...." like this voice was talking to the bus, begging it to hit me. Then all of a sudden this other voice, a more frantic one said "stop, hurry up." I turned an continued walking across the street. I don't know what the fuck that was, It kind of scared me. Hearing voices like that. I mean, we all have an inner voice. But both of them didn't sound like me at all. It wasn't my voice talking, and thats terrifying to me. I mean i've heard voices in my sleep before, and in my dreams, but never when i'm crossing the street. I don't know what to think of this, I guess thats why i'm writing it out, so I don't have to think about it now. I don't want to die, at least not yet anyway. I know that I will die eventually, like when I get old, but.. to think that if I stood there longer I could of actually gotten hit by that fucking bus, and be splattered across the pavement.

11/27/11

I haven't been feeling well as of late. And By "well" I don't mean I feel sick. Im not sick. I mean "well" as in mental wellness. I feel like I'm starting to loose my self. I haven't had these kind of moods in a long time. Like I haven't felt like this in about a year or two when I was at home and going to school in london.

Don't get me wrong. I love it hear in Halifax. I just feel like since i'm hear my life should of gotten a little bit better, and it has in some ways. As far as I know Im doing well in school. All my classes are going well and I don't have any complaints. But I still have this weird feeling in the back of my head that something just doesn't feel right.

This is what I want right? I feel like I keep questioning myself for what I want from life. What I want to be and where I want to go. And now that these thoughts are back I don't know what I want anymore. I feel lost. I thought that the whole journal thing from my writing class would be a great idea. But I find its causing me to question things that happen in my life, like with things that happen between me and my friends and its like its making me over think things.

some of my friends think that its because I live alone, that I have a lot of time to think. But when Im at home I dont really think at all. some of them think its because I'm home sick and I just miss my friends at home. and I think that does add to it a little. I do miss my friends that I left back in ontario. But I new that if I didnt come out here, I would of spent another year hating myself. And I don't want that again.

I just want to get out of this haze and feel like myself again.