new piercings are fun

so I got my snake bites done yesterday so I'm super happy. My friend ben (whom has never gotten a pierced before) came with me to see what its like, through me of course haha so he watched the needle go into my face and then couldn't handle it apparently and had to look at the wall. hahaha poor boy. I took it like a champ. no tears or nothing. the healing process starts now. so thats gunna suck for a bit. and I find that eating is really hard to do when you have things protruding from your face. haha I'll put up a picture soon, when its all healed up

Uni starts again.

I start school again in a week. I'm rather nervous, but I'm sure I'll be fine. I'm not a anxious as I was last year. Being somewhere new, with out friends or family around can be a bit nerve racking. I spent last august in halifax alone, and didn't have my friends around until they arrived in sept. But I'm sure that this year will be interesting. My uncle and his girlfriend will be staying with me in october I believe, and thats really great. I haven't seen my uncle in years and it would be nice to spend some family time with him. It will be nice having some others in this apartment besides myself.

I shaved parts of my hair off. haha I have a mohawk now, I suppose I was trying to say haha but yeah I really love it, but at the current moment I'm fighting with my locks and putting in my synthetic dreads. I haven't really told anyone. so it will be quite the surprise.

~jessy

Oh hey..

Yeah it has been a while.

So I thought I would update on what has been going on with me lately. I've been in this weird melancholy state of mind for the last few weeks. I don't know exactly whats been with that, but I've kind of been feeling ok, but it has plateaued as of late. Right now I try not to say to much about how i'm feeling to any of my friends that are around, mainly because I don't want to scare them with whats been running rampant in my head. though if I told them about my dreams and whatever they would probably think i'm insane.

I'll tell you something rather weird about a certain dream i've been having. It doesn't have a start or an end. When I have this dream, it's the same every time. I'm sitting in a coffee shop, in a booth with someone (That person is Wally- for those of you that know who Im referring.. good, for everyone else, think Gotye and you're golden). Now I don't know why my unconscious would choose him to place in my dream but moving on.. In this dream we are enjoying a pleasant conversation, and i'm sketching him, this is a common thing that I do, especially when I'm with really close friends, so its rather odd that I would be doing this in a dream with someone that I don't even know in reality. Im sitting with my legs up holding my sketchbook and I'm sketching, and we're laughing and talking about whatever, I don't really remember what it was about, that part of the dream is rather hazy. The over all tone of this dream is rather positive, normally I have dreams that are completely fucked up. But this one is so simple, and pleasant. Nothing really happens in this dream, we're just sitting, i'm drawing and he's drinking coffee. What really bugs be about it, it i've been having this dream countless times and I cant figure out why. I think it may have something to do with the unknown, Wally is someone that I don't know, and he could represent a new relationship that could come forth. Now i'm not saying with him obviously, just that my unconscious chose to use him as a symbol.

I keep thinking of why I would keep having this dream, that maybe its trying to tell me that I'm lonely and want company. Like a friend or a companion or something like that. Someone that I can just spend time with, and hang out with. I find it rather odd but in a way it does make sense. I spend a great deal of time alone, and it would be good for me to get out there and meet someone new. Like I said someone that I could hang out with, that would be great. But as of right now I spend my time alone, and I enjoy it a lot. There is a great possibility that this dream is subconsciously trying to tell me that i'm just lonely and want to be with someone.

now, when I say lonely. I am in no way referring to anything sexual. I'm referring to lonely in its original form. Since i've noticed that if I say "i'm lonely" to any of my friends they instantly assume that I want to have sex or something.. seriously.. thats totally not what i'm talking about.

But I've seemed to of derailed a bit..oh well.

That seems to be the main things so far.. ahaha but yeah, just a rather odd dream and a melancholic mood.

04/14/12

Apparently its inappropriate for me to be nonchalant about everything. I typically don't care about crap like hurt feelings and all this stupid girl cattiness. That seems to be wrong because some of my friends think that I should care. saying oh don't say anything, don't tell anyone to me. yeah I wont say a word, but if I say something along those lines and I encourage them to keep their mouths shut about it, it ends up blowing up in my face. And I end up loosing face with someone. That seems to be a constant in my life at the moment. I never cared before about this BS and now, they are forcing me to care, because they are all I have hear. I hardly ever see them as it is anyway. I spend most of my time alone. But that is because of my current school situation, seeing as I am part time and they are all full time. It makes me feel sick that they arn't adult enough to come up to me and talk to me. I have to be the one to chase after them if I want to hang out or anything. and if they ask me to do something with them or go somewhere, im expected to say yes.

I do have friends here that are way more adult. They are really nice and actually want me in their company. and I do appreciate that a lot. and it means a lot to me that I can talk to those people without any problem.

at this moment i'm considering just keeping to myself. Just not worry about anything and just focus on me, and what I want from life.

stressed over exam

I've discovered that if you want to to be really good at art history you have to be obsessed with it. At this point.. I'm totally over it. But I hope to fuck I passed. It's been bugging be for the past month and my exam was at 8 in the morning. It is really fucking hard to get good marks in a class that you have to force yourself to enjoy.

3/3/12

I really hate the cliché that all goths and people of alternative subcultures have tides with depression and mental heath disorders, But in my case however.. a cliches a cliche because its true, for me anyhow... I was never a cutter, but I do suffer from some form of bipolar disorder. I know that for a fact, with my mood swings being constant means of controlling my life. It wasn't till recently that I really thought about what happened to me that completely changed my way of thinking.

About 2 years ago, I had a breakdown. and it wasn't some horrific event, it was built up over a period of time. Im not going to go into details, but it was over my college career that this pent up anxiety and stress started getting out of hand. I was 18 when I started college, and looking back on it now a lot of the stress I put up with was rather childish, but it wasn't just me that needed to grow up, there were other people in school with me that needed a reality check. My first year of college went well, my second not so much. I had to deal with a certain girl that just didn't like me for some reason, so she started spreading crap and lies about me and stuff around, at this time I was dealing with some heavy shit, to put it bluntly.. So I tried my best to ignore it and pushed my self into my work. Thats what I did when I got really stressed over things, I would ignore everything and just focus on my work. I do the same with emotion, which isn't good at all. I would bottle things up until I would explode. Which unfortunately happened when I broke down. I am rather emotionally repressed as a person, I don't really care about most things in general. I alway thought it was funny when the whole emo fad was going on in my highschool that people thought I was emo, but you kinda had to have some grasp of emotion to even be such, so I am not emo, just rather emotionally repressed ( I could be British haha) alternative girl.

Over the course of my second year I just ignored what was going on, bottling it up, and you would think that friends would want to you know.. be there and ask me what the fuck was up right? nope. not a word. the summer leading up the my final year in college was rather stress full, I still had to deal with what happened the year before and every now and again I would catch myself thinking about it.. what if this happened or if this happened.. I tried to hid how I was feeling so I got really good at faking the hole happy thing. And a good fake smile was very convincing to those that called themselves my friends. When school started up again, I started talking to the councillor at the school for why I was so depressed and stuff mostly, but that didn't really work, so I stopped going.

The second half of my third year went really well, I broke up with my boyfriend at the time and everything started to get soo much better. I don't know why it took me so long to break up with him, I think it had something to do with me not wanting to be alone or something, but he was such a shitty boyfriend I should of ended it when it started. but oh well. After all that crap was over, I started getting really good grades on my paintings but I still pushed myself harder than I should have. I was getting more anxious and I didn't understand why, I think it was more because of my appending graduation. I don't really know. After school was over and I moved back home, I completely stopped talking to people. there was a whole month of my life that I spent in bed. I was mentally and physically exhausted, and then I started getting really insomniac and then I would crash. It was like everything that was bottled up came crashing down on me. Something inside me broke, and I can't manage to fix it. However time can change that. and that month I spent in purgatory was enough to see who actually was there for me, and it showed me the people that actually cared. Family obviously, but some of the friends that I thought I could count on weren't there anymore. It was like they never new me at all. But the people that actually did care, would talk and want to spend time with me, and those people are what helped get me through most of this. But in all reality, im still in a more "recovery" stage of what has happened and now that I'm living in another part of the country it allows me to slowly get back to the way I was. But this change is also very permanent I found it changed the way that I think about things now, and my values in my life have also changed. And there are moments where a sense of melancholy washes over me and I can't control it, so I try to at least hide it for the sake of my friends around me. It helps even if only a little.

Im being purposefully vague for a reason. sorry bout that.