Merry Christmas!#$!

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So im thinking on stretching my ears bigger, not huge but bigger than what they are now. right now I believe I'm a 0 and for some stupid reason i bought 000 gages. now the person that sold them to me said that it is ok to skip a gage but.. I don't want to stretch my ears to fast. so I don't no. I might just get the inbetween one too. but i have these spacers that are just waiting to be put in my ears haha and they are way to big at the moment. i need to get vitamin E cream. that helped a lot when I first started stretching my ears.

anywho.
Cheers :]

Got my G2 :D!!!! hahahahaha ^_^ yay.

um. I have to go to londn this thursday to meet up with a friend, she needs advice for an application thing for a gallery so fun thurrrr i hope haha

cheers

haha

today was soooo busy.. drove to the bank, then the dump, then to brantford, home, simcoe... Jesus.. haha

I think that my road test will go well. :] but theres still little just a little bit of me that thinks that I will fail. but thats only if the guy I drive with is a dick.. haha anyhow

today was wyatts birthday, so I got him a cake, just cuz im awesome like that

it says " Happy Birfmas wyatt" on it. so hopefully he likes it :]

Cheers

so I finally booked my drivers test. Its on the 7th of December. took me long enough haha i've had my g1 for the past 2 years.

This week didn't really start on a high note. Gizmo died last sunday, and was a big part of are family. She was the biggest fatty cat ever, Not like any of are other cats, which we all love. She was my brothers cat, and for some reason, all his pets seem to die on him. That sounds really Bad.. But in a way its true. Gizmo wasn't even 4 years old, and are cats and dogs tend to live really long and full lives. My cat Rambo is 14 now, and he still acts like a kitten. It hurts when a pet dies, but I know that when Rambo dies a part of me will die with him. Since he is my Baby in a way, I don't think that after Rambo is gone I would get another cat after him.

the Vet clinic that Gizmo was at sent up a card in the mail. We donated the money that was left over from her vet bill to the humane society in her name.

I'm sad that she is gone, we all are, but nothing lasts forever

Quo?

I know I haven't been posting much, however I think that I can change that, since I've been in this art funk for the past 5-6 months. I'll be posting every saturday from now on. like my other blog "jGallery" I'll be talking more personally in this blog than my other one. of course in my other blog i'll be writing more about my art and where I'm at school wise.

the whole reason for this blog is to work on my writing skills and well.. to project my frustration so I don't hurt someone.
lol

hopefully this works out better than what I was doing before :]

Cheers.

Drivers Anxiety

I don't have a problem when I drive. I drive perfectly fine. but when you add my mother or my dad, I get so anxious that I could possibly get into an accident. Its getting better though, a lot better than what it was. Before, I would get really stressed out about driving and now its all breath. calm down. It could be worse.

My solo show

Vlog #4

I'm going to take a break from writing for a bit, so i'll be posting some video's and some of my vlogs from my youtube channel


We'll see how this goes.. hahaha

Vlog #3

Vlog #2 !@# hahaha

Vlog #1 My rants

Experiment (post 1)

Social Experiment No. 1

This experiment is to gather information on societies ignorance of what is considers “normal” and “not-normal”.

I myself am more comfortable wearing synthetic dreads, make up and dark clothing. Does society consider me a “normal” individual? No. Since I don’t meet societies standards of what is considered normal, I’ve taken it upon myself to conduct this experiment.

This experiment is more for the reaction of the everyday person.

My Father- Hates the fact that I wear dark clothes and put synthetic extensions in my hair. me wants me to have “normal” hair. but even when I don’t have them in. I’m still the same.

My Mother- Thinks that my extensions are cool, and believes that I should do what I want, and not care what others think
( WOO MOM )

My Brother- Thinks that I’m weird

Random people ( that are way older)- they think that its really “neat” that I can walk around with my hair like this. Some of the older ladies I’ve met believe that, though they don’t understand why I do it, believe that its a right that we have to express are selves as individuals of are subculture.

However not a lot of the people I meet on the street are not that open minded. Blurting out things just to put us down.

others just stare. and some glare at me when I walk down the street.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Why are people so afraid of people like this? does the “gothic-punk” style offend people so much that they will take it upon themselves to ridicule and hurt people like this?

Sophie Lancaster didn’t harm anyone. She didn’t Judge anyone. She was just a girl so full of life. And yet she was killed because she was apart of the gothic subculture.

Will this happen to me? will this happen to other people that are like me?

I haven't been feeling myself lately

I decided to take a bit of a brake from the internet for a little bit. but I will be posting short vlogs on my YouTube Channel.

Hopefully I can get back to myself.

Post-Tramatic Stress + mental breakdown = one hell of a fucking year

It wasn't a mental breakdown. lets just make that part clear.. it was more of a.. rage attack than anything else. A rage/panic attack that lasted a grand ol' 45 minutes and ended with me breaking a majority of my plates and cups. What can I say, breaking stuff makes me feel better. After my little episode, I was completely relaxed and it helped me sort out what I needed to do, and that was to get happy. Or at least close to it.

My Post-tramatic stress was brought on by what happened before I started my second year of college. My roommate tried to kill herself, but luckily I was there to call the police and stop it. I just to think that it was my fault, that the reason she wanted to off herself was because I wasn't that nice to her and that she didn't really have many friends. She was an exchange student and was failing everything. I remember her coming home crying because she failed her entry to english thing. I think that her home sickness was an aid in her thoughts, she would stay up all night talking really loud on her phone and I wouldn't be able to sleep because of it. After this little experience I decided that what happened didn't change me, but made me more aware of what this sort of thing does to people. If you kill yourself, how many people does it affect, and if your unsuccessful, how many people d you "damage".

All of this, added on to my final year of college. The stress, not just from what happened previous, but from my earlier experiences from high school and my home life. Left me emotionally detached, as some would say. I didn't do too well in the first part of the year, the first four months of school were horrible actually. And after breaking up with my boyfriend at the time, it made me realize how much he was holding me back. And maybe if I ended it in first year I would of done a FUCK of a lot better. When I was with [Name] he made me feel like I wasn't good enough to do want I wanted to do, he would tell me that I should "learn how to Draw" and that I didn't know how to use pencils properly, and that I should learn how to paint. He would alway give me really bad advice about how to go about doing my work, and it would end up looking like shit. But after I ended it, he started complementing my work, which he has NEVER done before. After a while i'm sure that even he realized that he was holding me back, after are relationship ended, the day I got my first A was the day he failed a grading. And for the first time in a while I actually felt good about what I was doing. And my work quality started to improve sevenfold. When this year ended, a month or so into the summer I got a letter saying that I made the Deans list, and that I had a GPA of 4.0. Now, when I was in high school my grade average was in the high 80's but I never made it to be on the honour role. High school was easy, since with the way I am and the way I looked scared a lot of people, they would leave me alone, and I would finish my work. Don't get me wrong, I did have a friends when I was in high school most of them were more just people that would say the occasional "hello" in the halls, but I had a few close friends that would keep me in check, kind of like the friends I have now. I've never been considered for anything school wise before, so getting put of the Dean's list made me really excited.
Now graduation is coming up, and i'm rather interested in what my prof's have to say, if anything at all.

I still have a lot to work out, in my head. I need a better way of dealing with my anger, and my depressive moods. The one thing that helped to most was my work, my art. so I believe that if I keep doing what i'm doing now I can become a happier person.

uhg.

I know that not a lot of people read this shit, but it makes me feel better when i write stuff.

since im almost done school, i've become more.. off message. I mean im actually doing really well now. and I just dont understand why im feeling this way, I should me happy. but im not. its lots of things I guess. like the fact that I have to move home and i've been living away from home for the past 3 years. I dont want to let this place go.

I dont want to forget any of this, the good things at least that happened in the past 3 years that i've attended fanshawe. its not just the people that are in my grad class, its everything else. the little things, like getting up in my apartment. making my own food, not needing anyone else, just me. its the space that ill miss the most. my time. my alone time. my freedom

more blah blah

twitter = jessydonn

facebook.com/jdonnbarkley

and uh here.

I know I'm crazy.

I can't sleep, and if I do. It doesn't last long.
I can't think. I hear, things. Voices all the time, in the back of my head.
they don't stop. She doesn't stop.
A constant Why. She says, repeated. Why. Why, Jessy, Whats wrong with me.
Why is this happening.
I close my eyes. Peace. thats all I need. Just silence.
My heart aches, cold. My hands, numb.
I'm tired. I just want sleep.

I wrote that a couple of days ago. Its about what happened to me last year. my roommate had a breakdown and tried to kill herself. there was a lot of things that happened that night. some things that are just really hard to get out of my head and they just keep resurfacing in my head.

I thought that I could deal with it by myself, just keep it in and forget about it. but that just doesn't happen. one of my closest friends told me that I needed to talk about it. get some help. he was right, so right. He told me that I have Post-tramatic stress. and he is bang on. and with my history of MD that doesn't really help me much. I found that, with what happened, its starting to get easier to talk about. but that still doesn't help me sleep at night.