12/15/11

So I find myself just sitting in my apartment, in silence. Most of the time I just listen to music or watch movies. But for some reason today I found myself just sitting, on my couch...It was really quiet and relaxing. There was absolutely no stress. After a while I turned my tv on and watched some movies. But today was really quiet. Most of my friends in Halifax are going home for the holidays so I can expect to have more days like this. I was really angry before, but now I just don't care. It kinda sucks that I wont get to see my parents and my brother for christmas, but they said that they would try to come here for the holidays. But now both my parents can't find the time to take the trip down here. So I'm spending Christmas on my own. I'm not entirely alone, there are a couple people that are staying in Halifax and thats comforting in a way. It just pisses me off that Im suppose to be caring and understanding when my friends have problems and stuff, and when shit goes down for them I'm always there. But when it happens to me, know one cares and know one is there for me to talk to, and then they wonder why I get angry. I love my friends to death, but its that selfishness that pisses me off. even though I don't express my feelings entirely to them, they should at least know that I'm upset that I have to spend Christmas alone. And they should at least ask me if i'm alright with it. which I am but it still pisses me off that they don't care enough to ask. I'm always there when they need to talk. Uhg.

11/29/11

I was pretty sick the last couple of days from being out in the cold. But it was worth getting sick over. Since I had a pretty awesome time hanging out with the boys, and playing left for dead! OH how I love playing that game so much. and when we left I actually walked over the McDonald Bridge. Which I thought I could never do, ever. But I did it, three times! The first was because almost all the bus's were slow so we just walked over the bridge. The other two times I walked over with kevin, the first time we got lost in dartmouth, mostly because we both are drunk idiots and got lost. The second time we just didn't want to wait for a bus. It was really nice walking over the bridge, besides the fact that bridges are tariffing to me. But I think I wouldn't be able to do it alone. So having someone with me helped. and for the first time I actually did have an anxiety panic. Not like when I was on the bus going over the bridge with tabitha. That was probably one of the scariest moments I've had here. But for some reason, I felt really calm, surprisingly calm for me. But i'm chalking that one up to having someone else walking across the bridge with me.

I had this weird feeling today. I spent most of the day sleeping, and when I woke up I was rather sluggish and didn't really start moving around till around 2 in the afternoon. At around 5:30 I started getting ready to go to the studio and paint. I was still distracted with other things in my apartment, so getting ready took me longer than normal. when I left my apartment I was walking rather slowly. And when I got to one of the main streets I was crossing and there was a bus coming straight for me. The light was red so he was going to stop. But for some reason I stopped in the street for a few seconds staring at the bus. And something inside my head said "Do it...." like this voice was talking to the bus, begging it to hit me. Then all of a sudden this other voice, a more frantic one said "stop, hurry up." I turned an continued walking across the street. I don't know what the fuck that was, It kind of scared me. Hearing voices like that. I mean, we all have an inner voice. But both of them didn't sound like me at all. It wasn't my voice talking, and thats terrifying to me. I mean i've heard voices in my sleep before, and in my dreams, but never when i'm crossing the street. I don't know what to think of this, I guess thats why i'm writing it out, so I don't have to think about it now. I don't want to die, at least not yet anyway. I know that I will die eventually, like when I get old, but.. to think that if I stood there longer I could of actually gotten hit by that fucking bus, and be splattered across the pavement.

11/27/11

I haven't been feeling well as of late. And By "well" I don't mean I feel sick. Im not sick. I mean "well" as in mental wellness. I feel like I'm starting to loose my self. I haven't had these kind of moods in a long time. Like I haven't felt like this in about a year or two when I was at home and going to school in london.

Don't get me wrong. I love it hear in Halifax. I just feel like since i'm hear my life should of gotten a little bit better, and it has in some ways. As far as I know Im doing well in school. All my classes are going well and I don't have any complaints. But I still have this weird feeling in the back of my head that something just doesn't feel right.

This is what I want right? I feel like I keep questioning myself for what I want from life. What I want to be and where I want to go. And now that these thoughts are back I don't know what I want anymore. I feel lost. I thought that the whole journal thing from my writing class would be a great idea. But I find its causing me to question things that happen in my life, like with things that happen between me and my friends and its like its making me over think things.

some of my friends think that its because I live alone, that I have a lot of time to think. But when Im at home I dont really think at all. some of them think its because I'm home sick and I just miss my friends at home. and I think that does add to it a little. I do miss my friends that I left back in ontario. But I new that if I didnt come out here, I would of spent another year hating myself. And I don't want that again.

I just want to get out of this haze and feel like myself again.

10/29/2011

Ok so I apparently thought that I would be able to write a blog and in my journal twice a week. Apparently NOT. I've been so busy with school work that I haven't had the time to write on my blogs or even make a video for my youtube channel. I did however manage to take a break from my school work and edit a FAQ video for youtube, but I still haven't had time to even record my sectional Double ended dread tutorial, and I want that one to go up next. I still have a lot of videos and dreads to make. I think after the sectional dread tutorial I'm going to make a storage video, and stuff like that. So far I had about 200 ish subscribers and thats AMAZING! and I'm really glad that people watch and actually like my videos. I mean, I act like an asshole is some of them but eh such is life. :P

School is going pretty well. As far as I know. I had painting crit on Wednesday and I think it went pretty good, I mean there is room for improvement and im open for that. But I can't get over how amazing my classmates are at painting, even the ones that have never painted before are amazing.

Hopefully I can post more often. I'm going to post a vlog soon eventually haha

10/01/11

I like to think that I an be poetic. I can at least try right?
I was never one for the writing arts, and i never thought I would ever be interested in anything like that. I love to read. I find that writing comes easier when your free write too.

In are journals for class, I find myself censoring my thoughts. I don't know what im so afraid of. if someone reads it, who cares..

its just free writing. Its not like its gunna fuck up anyones ideals or anything like that.

I find that since i havent been that present with my blog that I'm going to use my journal as a draft. and write up my entries. I suppose that it will help. I find it working a bit. I've written down quite a lot. and its not scribble or just plain text on the page that has no idea what its talking about.

those these entries in my journal are 4 pages. I think that im just going to either sum then up or something. I haven't really decided what im going to do with it yet.

so hopefully these entries get longer. we can always hope aha

~jessy

Writing For the Arts Journal

As of next week I will be posting weekly my journal entries from my Writing for the arts class. I feel that posting these will help me get back into the swing of writing on my blog.

on my Jgallery blog I'll be posting stuff like pictures of my class work and stuff like that, I haven't really been in the mood to paint and I feel that maybe after a little bit, like a month or so I might get back into it again. Right now i'm just doing my painting course work and shit for school and not working on my own personal work. But I hope it will change soon.

~jessy

blah blah blah

The first two weeks of school have past. I would say they went pretty well. The university is a lot different than the college that I went to, in the means that its a lot smaller and navigating it is a real bitch, theres so many turns and stairs that your legs burn by the time you actually get to class. I normally plan to get there about an hour or so early so im not all sweaty and gross. plus I can just sit and read and hang out. Even though I have one studio class, it seems to be taking up most of my time, Im going to need to work on my time management when I have a drawing and a painting class too. So far things are going well in my painting class and I seem to be one of the few that actually knows what there doing.. some of the people in my painting class have never really held a paint brush before, so all this is very new to them.

My apartment is very quiet. Its nice to actually live on my own. but I find it hard to get shit done at my place, since chores are starting to grow from just doing laundry to having to clean my whole apartment and get groceries.

video blog on youtube

so for the past year and a half i've been making Synthetic dread tutorials and what not on youtube and gotten a lot of really nice feedback. So I decided to make a more frequent vlog showing my progress in University. hopefully this works out lol I've been thinking about doing this for the last couple of months and I think it would be a positive experience and interesting to see my progression in school. This could also be useful for people that are considering going into the arts in some way. I just thought that it would be fun to document my next two years in Halifax.

I'll be posting links to these vlogs on my other blog "JGallery" or this one, haven't really decided what I want to do yet

we'll have to see how this goes. Not gunna like i'm really excited for this.

Moved to Halifax

The drive through wasn't as bad as I thought it was going to be, it was quite pleasant actually. It took us about 24 hours to get to my apartment, and 2 hours to unpack my stuff. My parents stayed with me for a week and now they are on the way home back to Ontario. Its really nice being on my own again. I can think clearly now, and its not hectic here, its nice. Its nice to be by myself this time, no roommates is the way to go for me. Now I can finally get some work done. tomorrow Im going to walk down to the university, and get a handle on where everything is in this city.

Sad day in my studio.

I don't know what it is about me and stress. Its like, when I get stressed out, I can't function at all. I feel physically sick. For the past couple of weeks I've been ill. and that isn't good, how am I suppose to work when i'm sick?

and its not just the big things that stress me out, it's also the little things. It's like just talking to someone will set me off. which is one of the reasons why I've been avoiding some of my friends, I do love them to death, but sometimes I just can't handle it at all.

It doesn't help when I get pushed into things either. like now for instance, I 've just started talking to an old friend again, about 4 months ago and they are constantly complimenting me, and overly complementary people really get on my nerves because I don't know if I should even trust them at all ( I know that when someone complements you its suppose to be flattering, but when its all the time it gets exhausting and I don't like kiss asses ) but for me when someone is overly complimentary it sets me off to the point where I wont even bother asking for an opinion because I already know what your going to say. and something that really stresses me out, is when someone is really overly complimentary and then they act really insecure. it's like they don't trust me at all. and yet your trying to butter me up and make me like you more? wtf. how the fuck does that work? I myself only complement someone when they actually win my interest and its worth commenting on, I don't constantly say shit like "its beautiful" because thats not constructive at all. a comment like that should help you grow and not make you want to shoot yourself in the face.

and because of all that I'm getting overly stressed out. ugh

So I've been going through a lot of stress lately. Its mostly because in stead of me moving in august like I planned I'm moving in july. which means i have less time then I thought that I had... you know, to hang out with friends and such.

It also doesnt help that some of my friends can be rather childish. some even told me that the only reason I was moving and going to University was for attention( wtf... is right!) you know since it has NOTHING to do with me wanting a career as an artist or anything like that >_> ugh. Im so stressed that I don't want to even see anyone, or talk to anyone.

Good news though, I got an apartment in Halifax thats really close to the University. and that takes a big load off. and now all i have to do is decide what im going to take.

Im anxious for classes to start. in excited and scared.

Haven't posted in a long time, had quite a bit of stuff going on all at once. getting in touch with old friends, organizing stuff for university and getting courses and stuff for when I move.... makes me go a little crazy.

so far, my university experience has been quite terrible. to no fault but my own. seeing as some things that are online can CONFUSE the SHIT out of me lol thats pretty much my it was rather terrible. But all that frustration was resolved. Im still a little stressed out from the whole thing. I find actually calling to be a better choice than e-mail but I hate having to call and talk to people... lol so reluctantly e-mailing someone gets things done. Fast lol

I still have to get a few things for school. and find a place to live and pack shit up and move there.... but other than that im pretty close :]

Cheers
Jessy

I GOT ACCEPTED TO NSCAD UNIVERSITY!@$!@#$!@$!$ :D

WEEEEEEEEEOH

I think I've mentioned this before..

Don't forget to check out my other blog about whats happening with me art wise haha

http://jgallery-spiderskull.blogspot.com/

and you can view my CV @

http://www.myartspace.com/viewer/gallery/?subscriberid=h4x403vqqa9yblx5&gallery_id=go5utyn0laiu3j21

Of couse... I will post my CV on my other blog eventually haha

This shows awesome

I stumbled across this tv series while I was looking up stuff, some of my friends are aware that I really enjoy critiquing actors and movies and performance. At this moment the actor thats floating in my brains is Johnny Kastl, many of you would know him as the pathologist on Scrubs "Doug Murphy". I've watched scrubs through out the years and never really thought it was funny.. I mean its ok funny, not so funny that I almost piss myself laughing funny.

The only characters that really got my attention aside from Dr Cox (John C. Mcginley) was Doug(Johnny Kastl) and Elliot(Sarah Chalk).

Now... back to the Tv show I was talking about. Its called "The Beast" the plot goes something like this

"FBI agent Charles Barker applies controversial techniques in his attempts to bring criminals to justice, which often border on illegal and unsettle his uninitiated partner, Ellis Dove. Over the course of the first season, Barker is investigated by fellow FBI agents for alleged misconduct. Dove's loyalty to his partner is challenged when internal affairs agent Ray Beaumont (Larry Gilliard) approaches him to gain information. Shortly thereafter, Dove learns of darker secrets in Barker's past."

I really liked this show, however it was cancelled when Patrick Swayze cancer got worse ( later causing his death)

I really enjoyed the character that johnny Kastl played. And to be honest, the only reason I watched this show was because he was in it. He played Todd Jaracki, a rather chatty FBI desk jockey ( hahaha) That helps Eillis out with technical problems, He however doesn't have a big role in the show, but I just really love his acting and he pulls it off really well.


this is a screen cap that I took from the last episode of The Beast

I suggest that EVERYONE watches it :]
Johnny if your reading this, PLEASE act more. You are amazing, and I love you.

I've had a cold for the past week.

Going to the doctor for a check up when you are sick isnt really a good idea. seeing as it can screw up numerous tests and what not. luckily nothing is wrong with me aside form my cold.

my heart is fine :D but my doctor recommended i get a check up every year or so and to loose some weight.. of course..

~~~~~~~

on another note, I'm only going to update my other blog( J gallery) when I get some work done. haha so I'm going to start doing some write ups about my work, painting by painting. and as it goes its almost like i have a couple series going on
like my black and white paintings, my fish paintings and my explosion jelly fish paintings

I showed my Doctor my paintings ( its a good idea to have pix's on your phone when your an artist :P ) and he said that my "riot" painting is like abstract realism, he also told me that my angler fish painting was awesome. but he loves deep sea diving and fish of all kinds, so he really enjoyed my work

I've been slowly working on my portfolio. I started to draw a lot more and I want to get some work together. I still paint, even though I havent been painting for the past 3 months. Its been really cold in my studio and most of the water is frozen. I've moved most of my painting supplies to my room so i can paint, but now they are in my basement waiting to be used.

Heart of Glass

I have a Doctors appointment on the 3rd of feb, and I'm really scared. I don't mean.. Ohhh Im scared ( like its not a big deal), I am TARIFFED.

I dont want my Doctor telling me that I have a possible change of heart disease, or anything of the sort. My father had a triple bypass when I was really young, and he almost died. And it doesnt help that I am more like my father than my mother. I don't want to have to have surgery when im in my 40's.

Im really scared. And knowone I talk to is helping me through this.

bah da bah bah bah da bah bah

I drove up to london on thursday to surprise everyone, well it wasnt much of a surprise when I texted my one friend to see if I could stay over ahaha, but it was really fun. They had a pub fundraiser to raise some money for there catalogue. I still have some money that I'm willing to donate to them but I'll need to make another trip up there.

Drawings

so I've started drawing again, they are only sketches and such, but its nice to be doing something again. I need to get a bigger extention cord if im going to have a working heater in the garage. It's been a while since I was in there. it's way to cold to paint and im pretty sure that most of my acrylics are frozen.

dead socially

Since I've been done school, I haven't been able to see any of my friends that like in London or even around where I live. And its starting to get to the point where I have to ask to go hang out? what the FUCK is that SHIT in 21 and I have to ask to go out. I've never been this depressed in my whole life. the whole reason I worked so hard to get my licence was to be able to see my friends out of town. and it doesn't make sense that i can go to cambridge which is an hour away, but I can't go to london which is also an hour away. Im under the conclusion that my mother wants to ruin my social life. I mean its already ruined. but she IS making it worse.

I miss my friends.

2011

Happy New year.

so I have a few resolutions that I wish to keep this year.

lost the weight i've gained from moving back home, stop eating fast food and eat healthier

all of which are closely tied together right? yeah. this year i really dont want to let myself down like the years before. because I want to get healthier and live better.

so today was the last day for junk food. no more after today. im going to cut back on my coffee intake as well

I really hope I can stick to this.

cheers.