3/3/12

I really hate the cliché that all goths and people of alternative subcultures have tides with depression and mental heath disorders, But in my case however.. a cliches a cliche because its true, for me anyhow... I was never a cutter, but I do suffer from some form of bipolar disorder. I know that for a fact, with my mood swings being constant means of controlling my life. It wasn't till recently that I really thought about what happened to me that completely changed my way of thinking.

About 2 years ago, I had a breakdown. and it wasn't some horrific event, it was built up over a period of time. Im not going to go into details, but it was over my college career that this pent up anxiety and stress started getting out of hand. I was 18 when I started college, and looking back on it now a lot of the stress I put up with was rather childish, but it wasn't just me that needed to grow up, there were other people in school with me that needed a reality check. My first year of college went well, my second not so much. I had to deal with a certain girl that just didn't like me for some reason, so she started spreading crap and lies about me and stuff around, at this time I was dealing with some heavy shit, to put it bluntly.. So I tried my best to ignore it and pushed my self into my work. Thats what I did when I got really stressed over things, I would ignore everything and just focus on my work. I do the same with emotion, which isn't good at all. I would bottle things up until I would explode. Which unfortunately happened when I broke down. I am rather emotionally repressed as a person, I don't really care about most things in general. I alway thought it was funny when the whole emo fad was going on in my highschool that people thought I was emo, but you kinda had to have some grasp of emotion to even be such, so I am not emo, just rather emotionally repressed ( I could be British haha) alternative girl.

Over the course of my second year I just ignored what was going on, bottling it up, and you would think that friends would want to you know.. be there and ask me what the fuck was up right? nope. not a word. the summer leading up the my final year in college was rather stress full, I still had to deal with what happened the year before and every now and again I would catch myself thinking about it.. what if this happened or if this happened.. I tried to hid how I was feeling so I got really good at faking the hole happy thing. And a good fake smile was very convincing to those that called themselves my friends. When school started up again, I started talking to the councillor at the school for why I was so depressed and stuff mostly, but that didn't really work, so I stopped going.

The second half of my third year went really well, I broke up with my boyfriend at the time and everything started to get soo much better. I don't know why it took me so long to break up with him, I think it had something to do with me not wanting to be alone or something, but he was such a shitty boyfriend I should of ended it when it started. but oh well. After all that crap was over, I started getting really good grades on my paintings but I still pushed myself harder than I should have. I was getting more anxious and I didn't understand why, I think it was more because of my appending graduation. I don't really know. After school was over and I moved back home, I completely stopped talking to people. there was a whole month of my life that I spent in bed. I was mentally and physically exhausted, and then I started getting really insomniac and then I would crash. It was like everything that was bottled up came crashing down on me. Something inside me broke, and I can't manage to fix it. However time can change that. and that month I spent in purgatory was enough to see who actually was there for me, and it showed me the people that actually cared. Family obviously, but some of the friends that I thought I could count on weren't there anymore. It was like they never new me at all. But the people that actually did care, would talk and want to spend time with me, and those people are what helped get me through most of this. But in all reality, im still in a more "recovery" stage of what has happened and now that I'm living in another part of the country it allows me to slowly get back to the way I was. But this change is also very permanent I found it changed the way that I think about things now, and my values in my life have also changed. And there are moments where a sense of melancholy washes over me and I can't control it, so I try to at least hide it for the sake of my friends around me. It helps even if only a little.

Im being purposefully vague for a reason. sorry bout that.